11.08.2005

so we sit.. and we wait.

i had a migraine last night that felt as if it penetrated my entire being. nothing brought relief; not quiet, not stillness, not darkness. only once rest began to infiltrate my mind could i stop tossing and turning. then i slept hard until the alarm went off at 7:00 a.m.

"we cannot make decisions based out of fear."

i have said it and believe it, but am too scared, or too tired, to live it.

do we feel called to this community? how does that decision flesh itself out in reality?

jake got into a fight with my parent's dog last night. that never happens. i think he just feels out of sorts, displaced... and you know what, so do i.

posted by Kelly @ 11:21:00 AM 

5 Comments:

Blogger so i go said...

i'm so sorry you're living through this.. it's hard to even know what you're called to when your exhausted and dealing with splitting migraines. praying for peace and assurance, my friend.

1:16 PM  
Blogger Lesley said...

i know it's hard to remain passionate about your calling when you feel like you're in an atmosphere of opposition. sometimes we feel like those occurences are God's signals that we're in the wrong situation. but His missions are often characterized by pain and fear, and it's because those things were there waiting for you that your work is so important. think of the power behind Christ's love as it crumbles your neighbors' walls. i'm praying for and empowerment.

11:12 AM  
Blogger Lesley said...

"when you said this was a fight, you weren't kidding...'cause there's a cut on my eye and it's just round two..."

12:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where's your "god" now??

4:46 PM  
Blogger Kelly said...

interesting question, anonymous. that is among the things we are trying to work out right now. does He cease to exist b/c we are afraid? does he cease to exist b/c things get tougher, more dangerous?

i don't think so. but it's necessary to reevaluate your faith when things like this happen. how strong is my faith? i don't know if there's a sort of measuring stick. truth is, shit happens. it's not like i'm going to be punished b/c i am in a place with doubt. this whole God thing is a relationship. and like other relationships it rides out along the continuum of drawing together or pulling apart. the question of where He is now is not the question i am asking.

the question i'm asking is "am i strong enough to believe?" sounds like that may be a question you're asking. thanks for stopping by and sharing in this struggle.

8:58 AM  

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Location: Atlanta, Georgia, United States

I am on a journey, searching for God and what that means in my daily life. It's not about constraints, it's not about limitations, but freedom. I know something exists beyond the visible. I live thinking about possibilities and what could be and the necessary steps to make things happen. I like long talks with a good friend, drinking tea, eating breakfast with my husband, going to a bookstore (they are the new libraries), cool mornings, windy days in the fall, learning about love and life from those who seem to have found their way, teenagers, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, long baths, and connecting with another heart. I am learning how to love, how to live, when to speak and when not to, when it's time to gather the stones, when it's time to let go, surrender, forgiveness, and discipline.

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