i'm struggling with the fact that when i leave west palm on monday, that will be the last time i see grandpa. and what to say, as if anyone ever really knows what to say. mom says he's sleeping now more and more everyday. she said it kind of like a caution that i may not get a chance to say anything at all.

i just keep thinking about grandma. i mean, will we have christmases in west palm like we always have? this past year they moved out of their beloved house on vincent avenue. the only constant i've seemed to ever have in my life, they moved out and into a condo. the whole issue of condos is relatively stupid. pay less, live with less space, and we'll build a million cookie-cutter homes to facilitate that percentage of the population who can't keep up with a house any longer. this will be my first trip to the condo.

i have developed a cold. mostly after tuesday,the day when i cried nonstop after talking with him. are those two related? my mother in law said they cancelled schools in tennessee b/c of the flu virus everyone was getting sick.

the pastor of the methodist church my grandparents attend every sunday before making their way over to the corps stopped by one wednesday. mom said the spirit in the room changed after that. he walked grandpa through what would happen. seeing jesus before us, seeing others before we do... brock, pop, and all his brothers... and since the pastor stopped by, there has been a sense of peace and acceptance about grandpa. he's no longer very emotional. apparently, his girls were just as shaken by him crying as we were, b/c mom said in all her fifty years, she's never seen him shed a tear.

i remember being hauled to bible conference in the summer of 2000, just days after the plane crash, and the first thing grandpa did was hug me and say, "sometimes we don't understand the reasons why people are taken so quickly." it was sentimental, and he's not usually so. and now those words sting my heart. my plane leaves in a few hours. my alarm should be going off soon.

it just seems like everything was working out, i had a hope about my future. and now another rip leaves my heart bleeding. and i guess that's the point, when are we going to have it all together? jason keeps asking me to call about the flicker i mentioned a while back. i don't want to call, b/c i don't care about anything else right now. my grandfather is dying. i am told to be prepared b/c he looks very weak. i can't even imagine that.

the hospice he moved into has been wonderful in making him comfortable. mom told me that we might not be able to have a conversation b/c he's been sleeping more and more. but the nurse said to her, "He's very strong. If you tell him his grandchildren are coming, he will make himself open his eyes so he can see them."

in december, the choir at their methodist church was rehearsing a song, "The Lord is My Shepherd." Grandpa sings in the choir but hadn't been able to attend rehearsals because that was when his arthritis had flared and it was hard for him to stand. but he was determined to sing that song. the day they were scheduled to sing it in church, he walked up to the choir loft with a cane and stood in his place and sang. visitors to the hospital have all mentioned that.

many visitors have come by. all of their friends have stopped in. they must all know what to say because they experience this often. a friend passing away. so what will my words mean?

i feel like i'm standing on the edge of the end, able to touch death. but grandpa has a peace about it, that i can't see right now. surrounded by the reality that people live and die. i have friends who are expecting a baby this week. and my grandfather lays in a bed not well. it's all a circle, isn't it?

posted by Kelly @ 4:48:00 AM