jason and i were on the road travelling this weekend to ocala, florida. it was his grandmother's 85th birthday.

the road stretched out before us into the horizon as we drove well into the evening. as we neared the florida state line, clouds covered the sky. you could see the powerful light of the sun behind one cloud and i was struck by the rays of sunlight that we could see miles ahead of us. drifting down from behind the cloud, like arms stretching toward the earth.

my thoughts contained many things, heavy with the weight of a thousand stories. some to be written, some never to be told.

the book on cd i had purchased for the trip was fascinating, but i was in and out of the storyline, getting lost in the detail. i thought about the future, and the possibilities that await us. i considered my gifts, trying to iron out exactly what i am created for, if it is just one thing.. and dwelt on the push i have felt as of late. the push to try something new, taking a step out in faith. a bit scared of the vulnerability..

there is a struggle there, to trust God as he makes way for a new start. "see, i am doing a new thing.." is a refrain that echoes in and out of my life, my circumstances, my sleep.

i thought about miss jones, the single mom who lives across the street from us. a few nights ago, i was getting something out of my car and heard wailing only to look over and see a dozen or so young men helping her inside her house. we found out later, from derricka (another neighbor) that miss jones' father had passed away. it sounded tragic b/c she had to rush to alabama to identify the body.

i thought about keith and pauline, our friends in scotland. pauline is completely blind now, and an exploratory sugery tries to find the root of the pain she is feeling. we don't know how much longer she has.

i've been through grief, but am by no means an expert. i feel as if i should sit in silence with both keith and miss jones. there are lessons to expound upon, but who am i to act as such an authority? i can share the freedom i know, the healing he brings. but for now, know in the silence... that this is not the end.

jason is reading a book by an open theist to get another point of view. this author talks about the problem of evil. he states that maybe everything doesn't have a divinely ordered purpose. maybe there are some things that happen b/c evil is in the world and that's the end of it.

don't give me the verses, i know the verses. and i know the response to these evil acts are what matter, but i couldn't help but wonder about the people that are impacted. i want to see the plan that explains why these people.

they have enough to deal with already. they are so weak in the pain. please, lord, give them something--a hook, a hand, a rope--something to hold on to.

and then my gaze returns to the rays of sun cascading down ahead of us. "like arms stretching toward the earth." and i realize... you already have.

posted by Kelly @ 12:43:00 PM