i used to want to be an fbi agent.

have i mentioned this before?

seriously, before all these crime dramas even entered the heads of hollywood writers, i wanted to be a forensic pathologist for the fbi. it suited my strengths. i had a high tolerance for pain, i rarely cried, i was tough, i was driven. what more did i need?

i entered college with this pursuit in mind. i took a lot of science classes; chemistry, biology, anatomy, physics... i researched the requirements of entering the federal bureau of investigation. i ordered a gun catalog.


i dated a guy. i fell in love with this guy. and that relationship ended b/c of his untimely death.


and then i became a completely different person.


i become attached to people, i struggle with a lack of motivation, i'm overly emotional at weddings.


i was at a conference a few weeks ago and one of the speakers proposed the theory that our personalities don't change, we just become more and more of who we really are.

i completely bought into one of the cliches that was thrown at me in the months immediately following brock's death:

God is bringing you through this for a reason.

it may not sound like a cliche to many, but i took it to the far end of an ideal that became an expectation on God. i was holding him to this, like he had somehow taken brock away for me to become great.. so i kept wondering, 'when do i become great?'

time has passed, but sometimes i hear that same question whispering to me when things don't go exactly how i had planned. when i don't get the visible results, or i can't see the answered prayer.


you have to defeat the cliches with lessons learned. it's the only way. otherwise, you will sink holding on to the expectations of how things "should" work out or who you are "supposed" to be.

so the lesson i've learned is this:

i will never be through with becoming.


throughout those years of planning, i was developing a strength of spirit. in the months and years immediately following the death of brock, i was becoming acquainted with the struggle of grief and suffering. now, as i step forward to face the challenges of kingdom living, i am becoming Christlike.

though i felt as though i had taken a hard left and completely veered off the path, i was never outside the realm of who Christ expected me to become.

and that will be a life-long conversation in relationship with my Creator.

posted by Kelly @ 1:04:00 PM